“Ratability” has also become more than just a label for players. A popular corner header exploit is now “the rat corner.” Sending balls to a fast striker is called “ratty behavior”. In fact, “ratty” has all but replaced “toxic” as a pejorative adjective for “FIFA” players. Darwin would love it.

Goalkeeper: Mike Maignan

EA Sports touted “FIFA 22” as a game that would revolutionize the goalkeeping game by offering “a new level of intelligence… for more reliable shot blocking and smarter decisions between the posts.” It worked so well that every goalkeeper was defending virtually everything. A few patches later, the situation has reversed, now leading to endless goal festivals.

Outside backs: Ferland Mendy and Achraf Hakimi

Some players rise and fall in the rat metaphor, but the “rattiest” defensive options in January 2022 are almost the same as they have been throughout the cycle. At full-back, Real Madrid’s French left-back Ferland Mendy is the top choice with his 92 points at pace and weak foot with five stars. Playing on the right side is PSG’s Achraf Hakimi, who is faster, stronger and gets bonus points for his wide grin on the front of his card. The sight of these cards is enough to unsettle anyone.

Central defenders: Presnel Kimpembe and Raphaël Varane

If Mendy and Hakimi are not enough to directly infuriate your opponent, then the French defenders Raphaël Varane and Presnel Kimpembe should close the bag. Kimpembe is this year’s standout “overmatched” defender, whose high defensive work rate, innate strength, and strong reactions combined with excellent basic speed and defensive statistics are a nightmare for even the best attackers.

Varane falls a bit behind in comparison, despite his higher overall rating, but is a historic backbone of the Rat defense and more affordable than usual in “FIFA 22”.

Midfield: N’Golo Kanté and Frenkie de Jong

The central midfield was the most difficult part of this squad to create, as these two players are relatively unremarkable compared to the rest of the team. However, both players make valuable connections to other confirmed “rats” and therefore come under criticism for aiding and abetting “rattiness.”

Marcos Llorente’s rare gold card was an alternative here, and it’s worth noting that Kanté’s is the flashback version released earlier in the cycle. There are few things worse than having all your attacks nullified by World Champion and Champions League winner N’Golo Kanté, only to discover that it’s the diet version.

Wingers: Vinícius Júnior and Ousmane Dembélé

Some aspects of this team are debatable. Others are not. Vinícius has been the standout attacker among the “rats” this year, from his impressive debut in the first TOTW, through at least one more in-form card, a Champions League special, and most recently his POTM object. The latter is the true rat prince among Vinícius cards, available to anyone who has kept enough food. In the right hands, he’s a twisty, unpredictable opponent.

Dembélé is a little less “ratty” than in years past, but his five-star skills and five-star foot still outweigh what they probably should for a card that costs less than a premium Silver package.

Strikers: Karim Benzema and Nabil Fekir

More specifically, flashback Karim Benzema and road to the knockouts Nabil Fekir. These two strikers have always been mainstays in many rat teams because they overran defenses and scored with both feet when they should have been held back by defenders. The sight of them in the midst of the opposing players on the pre-game loading screen is enough to spread panic through the ranks, and every goal they score gnaws directly at the opponent’s soul. Especially when followed by the fabled line dance.

Substitute

There are many players who almost made the team, so you have access to a full substitutes’ bench. The king of the substitute bench rats is, of course, PSG’s Kylian Mbappé. Why doesn’t he make the “rats” senior team? Because most rodent coaches can’t afford him! Instead, they have Kylian Mbappé’s 7-game loan card, issued with pre-orders, to be used in the Weekend League during the rat team’s darkest moments, when the rat corner is no longer working and it’s time for the extra desperate tactics.

Alongside the on-loan Mbappé sit attackers Gelson Martins (the signature SBC version) and Allan Saint-Maximin (the rare gold card with five stars for skill and five stars for the weak foot that costs nothing) on the bench, while the midfield is supported by winter wildcard Houssem Aouar, who is as mean on the pitch as he is when typing into a word processor. Defensively, you’re spoiled for choice with Maxence Lacroix (88 points) a rat early in the game, as well as Dayot Upamecano and SBC Winter Wildcard player Nicolas Cozza.

The final touch

To truly embody the Rat Squad lifestyle, you can’t stop at this point. You’ll equip the field of your customizable stadium with green lines so that nobody can see what he’s doing, and the club badge must be that of “Newell’s Old Boys”, with his unfortunate initials.

As far as celebrations go, the “Line Dance” is pretty shabby, but you can be pretty sure that “Neighborhood,” with the players squatting and staring at the camera as if posing for a team photo, has sent many a controller flying into a nearby wall, and it would be a shame not to add to that. Squeal!